Play on words

A bicycle can't stand alone; . . . it is two tired.
A boiled egg is . . . hard to beat.
A dentist and a manicurist married. .. . . They fought tooth and nail.
A thief who stole a calendar . . . got twelve months.
A will is a . . . dead giveaway.
Acupuncture : . . . a jab well done.
I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. It's impossible to put down.
Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He's all right now.
It's not that the man did not know how to juggle, he just didn't have the balls to do it.
I was going to look for my missing watch, but I could never find the time.
I used to have a fear of hurdles, but I got over it.
A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.
Police were called to a daycare where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.
He drove his expensive car into a tree and found out how the Mercedes bends.
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
I did a theatrical performance about puns. Really it was just a play on words.
I used to be addicted to soap, but I'm clean now.
Show me a piano falling down a mineshaft and I'll show you A-flat minor.
Need an ark to save two of every animal? I noah guy.
A new type of broom came out, it is sweeping the nation.
A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital.
When his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was a nurse said 'No change yet'.
The new weed whacker is cutting-hedge technology.
Some people's noses and feet are built backwards: their feet smell and their noses run.
When William joined the army he disliked the phrase 'fire at will'.
Did you hear about the guy who got hit in the head with a can of soda? He was lucky it was a soft drink.
There was once a cross-eyed teacher who couldn't control his pupils.
The butcher backed up into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work.
I wanted to lose weight so I went to the paint store. I heard I could get thinner there.
Lightning sometimes shocks people because it just doesn't know how to conduct itself.
A prisoner's favorite punctuation mark is the period. It marks the end of his sentence.
A rule of grammar: double negatives are a no-no.
Sleeping comes so naturally to me, I could do it with my eyes closed.
Atheists don't solve exponential equations because they don't believe in higher powers.
It's raining cats and dogs. Well, as long as it doesn't reindeer.
I relish the fact that you've mustard the strength to ketchup to me.
My new theory on inertia doesn't seem to be gaining momentum.
The man who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.
What did the grape say when it got stepped on? Nothing - but it let out a little whine.
When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.
If you don't pay your exorcist you get repossessed.
She got fired from the hot dog stand for putting her hair in a bun.
The dead batteries were given out free of charge.
John Deere's manure spreader is the only equipment the company won't stand behind.
Pencils could be made with erasers at both ends, but what would be the point?
I was arrested after my therapist suggested I take something for my kleptomania.